Cerebral excrement

Darn heatwave II

2012-01-28T19:32:00.000+08:00

The streets are barren.
That's what happens when it hits
Forty-two degrees.

Darn heatwave

2012-01-27T19:04:00.003+08:00

Perth skyline on Australia Day
photo by Neal Pritchard Photography

Australia Day:
I didn't melt but it was
too hot for baking*

(*Anzac biscuits and lamingtons and pavlova)

Optimism

2012-01-23T18:14:00.000+08:00

The new year sparkles,
its promise permeating
the humidity.

Style inspiration

2012-01-22T16:44:00.002+08:00

Ugh, it is too hot and humid and I am too itchy to do anything but sit on the couch in my smalls under the air-conditioning. However, I will have to get dressed at some stage (before I head off to work tomorrow morning) and I thought I'd share some of the ladies that influence my style.

1. Miss Piggy
She's been dressed by Marc Jacobs and Prada and she's done Annie Hall. However, my favourite era for Miss Piggy remains the 1980s, especially The Muppets Take Manhattan. How I covet those little Piggy outfits (except the wedding dress - that should stay in the 80s).

Style advice from Miss Piggy? "Clothes are like friends: they should always complement your appearance."

I plan to see the new Muppet film this week and look forward to seeing Miss Piggy's wardrobe.

2. The women of Advanced Style
I work with the elderly and I often admire their style. I am full of respect for the octogenarian woman with umpteen medical problems who takes the time to put on her petticoat, stockings and lipstick (and get her hair done weekly). I have long loved Iris Apfel, self-proclaimed "geriatric star" and fellow specs-wearer. In the past couple of years I have discovered her contemporaries in Ari Seth Cohen's blog, Advanced Style. Their style is fearless and their advice is priceless. ("Always try and bring out your best feature and don't let anyone tell you that you don't have a best feature!") I can't wait for the book.

100-year-old Rose on Advanced Style

Advanced Style

Singer Rita Ellis Hammer on Advanced Style

3. Shirley Kurata

via Refinery 29

with Elijah Wood, via Autumn de Wilde

I love so-cool stylist Shirley Kurata's gorgeous home, her pom poms and her fabulous wardrobe. She has a similar face shape and glasses to me (round and round) and really rocks bright colours. She describes her look as "mod secretary style" but I think it is so much more than that.

Accidental flirtation

2012-01-14T01:42:00.000+08:00

Dodgy contact lens
meant inadvertent winking
at random strangers

Damn you eczema II

2012-01-07T14:14:00.000+08:00

Vigorous scrubbing
led to bleeding of poor breast
in shower last night

Damn you eczema

2012-01-07T14:12:00.000+08:00

Damn you eczema
The itch is all-consuming
And worst when drinking

My boob eczema is spreading

2012-01-03T18:11:00.002+08:00

Whole body itching
Unwelcome lumps appearing
Bloody pruritis

I wish I believed in horoscopes

2012-01-02T21:05:00.000+08:00

I want to believe
that this year will be fucking
super cool awesome

Happy New Year and crap

2011-12-31T19:06:00.000+08:00

Image: Galerie Montmartre

I'm pretty happy with 2011 but I'm not going to bore anyone by reflecting on my achievements or personal growth. (Although, I did have a letter published on ESB and now she has started a dating page!) I won't bore you with any resolutions either. Instead, I will share some advice that I will try to follow in 2012:

"Smell the roses. I know life feels like we are constantly chasing the carrot. But take time to notice that the carrot that you are currently eating is the one you once were chasing. Get it?" Advice from Obnoxious Owl

"Walking is a must; it's better than doctors or medicine." Advice from 99-year-old Rose on Advanced Style (Also, "Don't frequent a restaurant where they don't crumb the table.")

"Use your purchasing power as a political statement. Shop locally, ethically and in moderation." Advice from Keri Smith

Finally,

via Busy Being Fabulous

So much for trying to eat better

2011-12-31T18:03:00.002+08:00

Bought lentil burger.
Ate it. Mouth tasted like fart.
Rushed home to brush teeth.

I'm back at work but still feeling festive

2011-12-29T22:21:00.000+08:00

Found time to finish
Daria marathon and
get a pedicure

Add some glasses and this will be me in a few hours

2011-12-25T08:30:00.003+08:00

Mischief Champion

I need Christmas spirits

2011-12-24T17:43:00.000+08:00

My pavlova flopped

It's never happened before

I feel a failure

On the bus

2011-12-21T20:55:00.000+08:00

Hipster with iPod:
I can tell you're loving your
Nelly Furtado

Pungent fart odour:
I cannot abide it as
it is not my own.

A good Saturday night

2011-12-18T21:30:00.000+08:00

Cider can taste nice,
particularly after
wine, beer and spirits

Thunderstorms

2011-12-13T23:29:00.000+08:00

I like bibimbap
I don't like Boom Boom Pow but
I love boom boom crash*

*the sound that thunder makes. Not anything else you get when you Google "boom boom crash"

The tutu saleslady was offended I didn't want her flyer

2011-12-11T19:37:00.000+08:00

Tutu saleslady,
I'm offended that you think
I'd wear a tutu

I have found some semblance of a life

2011-12-09T21:46:00.000+08:00

My head overflows
with things to share with you and
I am overwhelmed

Advent calendars are a bit lame (especially when you live alone)

2011-11-30T22:36:00.003+08:00

Seems like it was just
last week that I took down my
advent calendar

Work was tough today

2011-11-16T21:12:00.002+08:00

It is very sad
when young people are dying.
Do we all agree?

Hormones

2011-11-15T22:12:00.000+08:00

Enormous chin zit,
please don't explode all over
innocent strangers

If I could wear a bag on my head so you wouldn't have to see my spotty face, I would

2011-11-13T13:21:00.001+08:00

Pimply-shouldered man,
please don't wear tank tops. No one
wants to see that shit.

It was rainy today

2011-11-05T22:25:00.000+08:00

Saw someone drifting
just like in Tokyo Drift
but not on purpose

Qantas

2011-10-31T05:44:00.002+08:00

Don't tell my boss but
being stuck in Melbourne is
a whole lot of fun

It's Spring Racing season

2011-10-29T22:32:00.000+08:00

I do not fit here
Dozens of pedestrians*
Don stupid headgear

*female pedestrians (except one man I saw wearing a fascinator)

Stupid mosquitoes

2011-10-19T22:06:00.000+08:00

My boobs are itchy
but public bosom scratching
is antisocial

It was hot yesterday and I went for a lovely long walk

2011-10-17T20:33:00.000+08:00

I just wish that I
had remembered to put on
my deodorant

At least his eyes were on the road

2011-10-10T20:07:00.002+08:00

Surreptitiously,
the driver's stout ring finger
explores his nostril.

Orange dress assistance

2011-10-09T19:43:00.001+08:00

Loyal ~~hordes~~ readers, if you're having problems reading this outside an RSS feed, please update your bookmark to www.cerebralexcrement.com.au

Now that's out of the way, I need some ESB-style advice. If you're not into frocks and style and stuff, please click forward to the next post.

Today I bought an orange cotton frock to wear to my friend's upcoming wedding. It's by local label Morrison.

(Photo by Stefan Gosatti/Getty Images via perthnow.com)

That is roughly what I will look like, except less surly, about 20kg larger and wearing heels. Also, I notice that my dress has a little "modesty panel" in the cleavage area, which is probably for the best as I am somewhat better endowed than this model.

This is where I need some advice - how to accessorise this baby? The wedding's in Melbourne, it's in the evening and I think it's at a function centre. I joined up to Polyvore just so I can share some ideas (erm, as in JUST then, so please excuse my crappy moodboard thingo).

My first thought was to wear black leather pumps and clutch with copper accessories. I am more olive-skinned than this model. Only problem is, I can't find anyone selling copper accessories so I may have to head to the hardware store and make some of my own.

My second thought was to mix in some bright accessories, like midnight blue or magenta, then finish it off with gold jewellery. Most of these accessories are just picked randomly off Polyvore, except for the best part - that midnight blue Mr Mohawk bag by Deadly Ponies.

My other option is to shop my closet and wear some of those things I already own and rarely wear - like this bracelet (with matching ring) by Elke Kramer.

Thoughts? Other suggestions?

I was sent home from work for being a swollen-faced, tooth-achey mute

2011-10-03T16:45:00.000+08:00

Put on a brave face
(contact lenses, some make-up)
but fooled nobody

It turns out I fractured my tooth

2011-09-30T06:54:00.000+08:00

Dirty, bloody mouth
No food for 24 hours
and a drug-fueled haze

This is going to be expensive

2011-09-28T22:23:00.000+08:00

My mouth clamped down, the
beef was unforgiving, my
tooth now in pieces

Finally it works

2011-09-27T20:01:00.001+08:00

Hey youse, anyone
notice my new URL?
How cool is that shit?

PS in case it's not redirecting (sister) the new URL is www.cerebralexcrement.com.au

I love my Monday to Friday job

2011-09-22T20:09:00.003+08:00

'tis almost Friday
can smell the pending freedom
(and shenanigans?)

Still better than a mouthful of jizz

2011-09-19T22:07:00.000+08:00

Diet cordial
leaves cheap vodka aftertaste
to befoul my mouth

Bad mood

2011-09-19T21:14:00.000+08:00

Pastels are pretty
Pretty fucking annoying
As is so much shit

Just do it

2011-09-15T21:31:00.001+08:00

Jez Burrows is having a closing down sale in his online print shop

(I didn't even intend for this to be seventeen syllables)

It's Spring and the windows are open

2011-09-11T20:42:00.001+08:00

Wafting from outside,
the smell of cigarettes mixed
with testosterone

Maybe I should shave my head again

2011-09-09T20:44:00.001+08:00

Hair growing longer,
creeping me out by brushing
against my bare arm

Ich habe eine Frage (aka Today I bought a new Enudden)

2011-09-08T20:57:00.001+08:00

Why are there always
so many German speakers
browsing Ikea?

More (ignored) advice on better blogging

2011-09-02T16:26:00.000+08:00

"Blog every day."
I would if it weren't so hard
to write these long posts.

Inappropriate crushes

2011-09-01T20:09:00.000+08:00

Is it wrong to be
attracted to ugly men?
(even hairy ones?)

So I bought my own domain name...

2011-08-31T20:04:00.001+08:00

...but being technologically backward I haven't been able to publish this blog there. While I'm trying to figure it out, here are some search terms my few visitors have used to find this blog:

"magic beans" + alpacas + poop

gross myself out

thanks! chemistry

Mmm organic beef patties

2011-08-28T15:25:00.000+08:00

Burger addiction
Daily burger fixation
For the past fortnight

Isn't it ironic

2011-08-15T20:46:00.000+08:00

Yesterday I bought
"The 100 Thing Challenge"
at a clearance store

Really, I should sleep

2011-08-10T20:01:00.002+08:00

Must watch more TV
And stop reading all the time
My eyes are stinging

Melbourne, 30/07/2011

2011-08-07T20:27:00.000+08:00

A double rainbow
(not like the one on Youtube)
was so beautiful

They drive so slowly, until the moment you try to overtake them

2011-07-25T15:25:00.000+08:00

The Prius driver:
Hybrid of old lady sloth
and sports car wanker

Bananas are a luxury since all the floods last summer

2011-07-23T19:58:00.001+08:00

Ate a banana
Belittled by workmates for
being a rich bitch

Backfired

2011-07-19T20:39:00.000+08:00

Tried to be healthy
Ate heaps of vegetables
Made heaps of fart smells

Life in an apartment

2011-07-17T20:51:00.001+08:00

I thought I heard rain
but it was just my neighbour
taking a shower

Tip, please

2011-07-17T18:52:00.000+08:00

I was just reading a Problogger article by Gretchen Rubin (of The Happiness Project) entitled "13 Tips for Beginning Bloggers (Which I Learned the Hard Way)". Tip number eight is:

Use lists when possible. People love reading lists, especially tips lists. I know, tips lists seem like a simplistic way to present information. But people love them. I post a tips list every Wednesday.

Shit. Here I've been writing this blog for 2+ years and I haven't been posting tips*. Therefore, I've decided to start posting some tips. Hey, someday people will PAY for my advice***.

Here are some tips for this week. They are medical. Please don't sue me if things go wrong.

Tip #1: Don't smoke. I work in a hospice. Most of my patients have cancer. The End.
Tip #2: Build up your bone density at a young age. As in, younger than people who read this blog****. That's not to say that a little weight-bearing exercise, calcium and vitamin D will do you any harm if you're post-pubescent.
Tip #3: Wear sensible shoes. This will help prevent falls, which will help prevent fractures, because you've probably left it too late to build up your bone density.

* I do have some lists about, being an obsessive list-writer**.
** I once wrote a list of "52 fun things to do." Number one was "Write lists." I think I ran out of fun things at number 37. This says a lot about me.
*** At work, not on this blog.
**** Unless you're really young. In which case, sorry for swearing.

Haematuria?

2011-07-16T21:50:00.000+08:00

Eat beetroot salad
Get walloped in the kidneys
Urinate red pee

Surreal drive to work down the freeway today

2011-07-16T20:55:00.002+08:00

Rear view sepia
Street lights flashing in rhythm
Debris flying by

At least it wasn't Enya

2011-07-15T22:19:00.000+08:00

The massage parlour
Pan-flute and harp music plays
Not so relaxing

Fingers crossed for at least $3000

2011-07-13T00:05:00.000+08:00

Looking through receipts
Tax return makes me sleepy
Dream of big payout

My hands are so cold I can barely type

2011-07-11T21:04:00.000+08:00

Debating heating
Shivering on the sofa
Should I just give in?

This is bad but not as bad as the alternative

2011-07-06T19:55:00.001+08:00

Pay day tomorrow
The bank waits, expectantly
for my interest

Rap written at work today

2011-07-04T20:40:00.000+08:00

Need a recipe?
You gotta Google that shit,
yeah, Google that shit.

Analyse your poo?
You gotta Google that shit,
yeah, Google that shit.

"Golden Showers" tree?
You gotta Google that shit,
yeah, Google that shit.

etc.

Most of the verses did not fit into the correct syllable pattern for haiku. They are all based on real-life Google searches we've made at work. The song came about because my co-worker (and office co-inhabitant) Dr H is always asking me questions and if I don't know the answer I tell him to "Google that shit." (Don't worry, I use much politer language in front of my patients.) If you'd like to sing along, you must do a Snoop Dogg voice.

My home is so neglected

2011-07-03T20:10:00.000+08:00

Cleaning my storeroom
Dust surrounds me like a fog
I now have black snot

Self pity

2011-07-02T20:37:00.001+08:00

Friends all moved away
Home on a Saturday night
Cleaning and reading

My face hurts

2011-06-29T16:58:00.002+08:00

Damn adult acne
Your residence on my face
is most unwelcome

Just because your car cost more than my annual salary, doesn't mean you can run me down

2011-06-28T21:57:00.002+08:00

Audi 4-wheel-drive
Please stop for pedestrians
At zebra crossings

Leather, studs and sequinned hot pants

2011-06-23T00:10:00.001+08:00

At Kylie concert.
Hot, semi-naked men. I
should be so lucky.

P.S. for visuals, see my sister's blog

My car smells a little after being neglected for 10 days

2011-06-09T22:10:00.000+08:00

I can't explain why
There's a fart smell in my car
When I've not farted

Sometimes I gross myself out

2011-05-23T22:09:00.000+08:00

Don't you hate it when
a little bit of vomit
comes up when you burp?

I wish I could send (non-returnable) telepathic messages to my fellow drivers

2011-05-15T20:59:00.002+08:00

Dear Toyota ute,
Your constant lane changing is
making me dizzy.

I'm writing a presentation for work

2011-05-10T20:54:00.001+08:00

Sexuality
and Hospital Beds: an oft-
neglected topic

On solitary living and long weekends

2011-05-02T23:07:00.002+08:00

Don't tell anyone
but sometimes I don't shower
for three or four days

It's been dry so long I forgot how much I love the rain

2011-04-28T20:55:00.000+08:00

Sparkling confetti
cascading from above me -
nah, it's just raining

2 years, 700 haiku, thanks for the comments

2011-04-25T07:52:00.000+08:00

I don't love haiku
but I do quite like haiku.
How about you folk?

Unfortunately...

2011-04-24T19:48:00.002+08:00

It's unethical
to sedate your patient to
steal his Easter egg.

What's worse?

2011-04-24T19:47:00.000+08:00

Long weekend, working;
long weekend, having a cold;
or all the above?

Sadly, I'm working the next three days

2011-04-21T23:00:00.002+08:00

Five day long weekend!
The whole country slacking off
except we who work.

I have the day off tomorrow, to compensate for working Easter

2011-04-20T20:32:00.002+08:00

Doing IKEA
during the school holidays:
brave or just foolish?

Sudden random thought

2011-04-19T00:04:00.000+08:00

Ever wonder what
happened to Antonio
Sabato Jr?

PS His head shot looks just like Ricky Martin. What happened to Ricky Martin?

This "diet" has me eating far more food than usual

2011-04-18T21:12:00.000+08:00

Healthy eating plan:
Since I started it today
I am so, so full.

Soap dispenser, stainless steel water bottle, feather duster...

2011-04-17T21:24:00.000+08:00

It pisses me off:
I keep buying faulty shit,
Wasting hard-earned coin.

Digestion

2011-04-11T22:25:00.002+08:00

Lots of Chinese food
and hydrochloric acid
mixed in my stomach

Shared with my big sis today

2011-04-10T16:46:00.002+08:00

Lemon curd cupcake
and passion fruit curd cupcake
and a pot of tea.

I hope it's cold and stormy this weekend

2011-04-07T22:17:00.000+08:00

The weekend beckons,
Friday the last barrier
to playing and fun.

It may rain tomorrow

2011-04-06T22:29:00.000+08:00

Autumn is Autumn.
It is not Summer. Pull your
finger out, weather!

Tomorrow is going to be the first time since February that it's rained in this fine city. The maximum temperature should also fall below 30C for the first time in weeks. Hurrah!

Must get a life so the next 700 posts are more interesting than the last 700

2011-04-05T19:41:00.000+08:00

Inadvisable:
pasta carbonara then
running on treadmill

Why I won't be exercising (and why I'll probably be a spinster aunt)

2011-04-01T22:07:00.002+08:00

My arse is stapled
to the sofa seat tonight
and it's 10pm

I had to use a poorly-fitting exercise bike tonight and now my legs are all wobbly

2011-03-29T21:53:00.003+08:00

When I did boxing,
driving home after, my arms
would feel like jelly

Far out fallout

2011-03-23T16:16:00.002+08:00

I just walked past a
Sydney pharmacy spruiking
iodine tablets

This $1600 communication course is making me feel bad about my communication skills

2011-03-21T16:50:00.000+08:00

Communication.
Essential tool of my job
At which I suck balls

It's Harmony Day on Monday

2011-03-17T22:24:00.002+08:00

Baked Anzac biscuits.
Smell of sugary goodness
fills my apartment.

A grammatically incorrect but true story

2011-03-14T20:58:00.002+08:00

Apartment smells like
barbecue, roast potato
and now I'm hungry

If only everyone's problems were this small

2011-03-13T21:28:00.000+08:00

Damn supermarket
running out of zucchini,
my favourite veg

Someone at work had the grossest ever birthday cheesecake

2011-03-12T13:43:00.000+08:00

Two layers of sponge,
smothered in white choc icing,
topped with grated cheese

untitled

2011-03-11T21:52:00.000+08:00

I wish the planet
would stop doing fucked up shit
to all these countries

Actresses I mistake for each other

2011-03-10T22:48:00.000+08:00

Paula Marshall and
Elizabeth Reaser and
Carla Gugino

You know you are lazy when you haven't checked the mailbox for a week

2011-03-10T21:07:00.001+08:00

Feeling meh this week

but was cheered to check the mail

and find lovely things

plaid is rad drawings by marc johns

vintage 60s jewel tone plaid clutch from Ande Monster

(photo by Ande Monster)

My haiku are suffering

2011-03-09T21:43:00.002+08:00

Treadmill addiction
or treadmillophilia
is ruining me

The King's Speech

2011-03-07T23:49:00.000+08:00

B-b-b-Bertie
I loved your profanities
Bloody bugger arse!

Long weekends are so good when you don't have to work them

2011-03-06T21:18:00.000+08:00

I love long weekends!
Sunday becomes Saturday
and I stay up late

Overdid it on the treadmill again

2011-03-05T20:32:00.000+08:00

Vomiting's not fun
It burns the oesophagus
and bloodshots the eyes

Pruritis

2011-03-03T20:41:00.002+08:00

Itchy eczema
Itchy itchy eczema
So fucking itchy