Saturday, December 31, 2011

Happy New Year and crap

Image: Galerie Montmartre

I'm pretty happy with 2011 but I'm not going to bore anyone by reflecting on my achievements or personal growth. (Although, I did have a letter published on ESB and now she has started a dating page!) I won't bore you with any resolutions either. Instead, I will share some advice that I will try to follow in 2012:

"Smell the roses. I know life feels like we are constantly chasing the carrot.  But take time to notice that the carrot that you are currently eating is the one you once were chasing. Get it?" Advice from Obnoxious Owl

"Walking is a must; it's better than doctors or medicine." Advice from 99-year-old Rose on Advanced Style (Also, "Don't frequent a restaurant where they don't crumb the table.")

"Use your purchasing power as a  political statement. Shop locally, ethically and in moderation." Advice from Keri Smith

Finally, 

via Busy Being Fabulous


So much for trying to eat better

Bought lentil burger.
Ate it. Mouth tasted like fart.
Rushed home to brush teeth.

Thursday, December 29, 2011

I'm back at work but still feeling festive

Found time to finish
Daria marathon and
get a pedicure

Saturday, December 24, 2011

I need Christmas spirits

My pavlova flopped
It's never happened before
I feel a failure

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

On the bus

Hipster with iPod:
I can tell you're loving your
Nelly Furtado

Pungent fart odour:
I cannot abide it as
it is not my own.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

A good Saturday night

Cider can taste nice,
particularly after
wine, beer and spirits

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Thunderstorms

I like bibimbap
I don't like Boom Boom Pow but
I love boom boom crash*


*the sound that thunder makes. Not anything else you get when you Google "boom boom crash"

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Friday, December 9, 2011

I have found some semblance of a life

My head overflows
with things to share with you and
I am overwhelmed

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Advent calendars are a bit lame (especially when you live alone)

Seems like it was just
last week that I took down my
advent calendar

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Work was tough today

It is very sad
when young people are dying.
Do we all agree?

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Hormones

Enormous chin zit,
please don't explode all over
innocent strangers

Sunday, November 13, 2011

If I could wear a bag on my head so you wouldn't have to see my spotty face, I would

Pimply-shouldered man,
please don't wear tank tops. No one
wants to see that shit.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

It was rainy today

Saw someone drifting
just like in Tokyo Drift
but not on purpose

Monday, October 31, 2011

Qantas

Don't tell my boss but
being stuck in Melbourne is
a whole lot of fun

Saturday, October 29, 2011

It's Spring Racing season

I do not fit here
Dozens of pedestrians*
Don stupid headgear


*female pedestrians (except one man I saw wearing a fascinator)

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Stupid mosquitoes

My boobs are itchy
but public bosom scratching
is antisocial

Monday, October 17, 2011

It was hot yesterday and I went for a lovely long walk

I just wish that I
had remembered to put on
my deodorant

Monday, October 10, 2011

At least his eyes were on the road

Surreptitiously,
the driver's stout ring finger
explores his nostril.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Orange dress assistance

Loyal hordes readers, if you're having problems reading this outside an RSS feed, please update your bookmark to www.cerebralexcrement.com.au

Now that's out of the way, I need some ESB-style advice. If you're not into frocks and style and stuff, please click forward to the next post.

Today I bought an orange cotton frock to wear to my friend's upcoming wedding. It's by local label Morrison.

(Photo by Stefan Gosatti/Getty Images via perthnow.com

That is roughly what I will look like, except less surly, about 20kg larger and wearing heels. Also, I notice that my dress has a little "modesty panel" in the cleavage area, which is probably for the best as I am somewhat better endowed than this model.

This is where I need some advice - how to accessorise this baby? The wedding's in Melbourne, it's in the evening and I think it's at a function centre. I joined up to Polyvore just so I can share some ideas (erm, as in JUST then, so please excuse my crappy moodboard thingo).

My first thought was to wear black leather pumps and clutch with copper accessories. I am more olive-skinned than this model. Only problem is, I can't find anyone selling copper accessories so I may have to head to the hardware store and make some of my own.


My second thought was to mix in some bright accessories, like midnight blue or magenta, then finish it off with gold jewellery. Most of these accessories are just picked randomly off Polyvore, except for the best part - that midnight blue Mr Mohawk bag by Deadly Ponies.

Orange dress with navy and gold  
My other option is to shop my closet and wear some of those things I already own and rarely wear - like this bracelet (with matching ring) by Elke Kramer.

Thoughts? Other suggestions?

Monday, October 3, 2011

I was sent home from work for being a swollen-faced, tooth-achey mute

Put on a brave face
(contact lenses, some make-up)
but fooled nobody

Friday, September 30, 2011

It turns out I fractured my tooth

Dirty, bloody mouth
No food for 24 hours
and a drug-fueled haze

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

This is going to be expensive

My mouth clamped down, the
beef was unforgiving, my
tooth now in pieces

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Finally it works

Hey youse, anyone
notice my new URL?
How cool is that shit?

PS in case it's not redirecting (sister) the new URL is www.cerebralexcrement.com.au

Thursday, September 22, 2011

I love my Monday to Friday job

'tis almost Friday
can smell the pending freedom
(and shenanigans?)

Monday, September 19, 2011

Still better than a mouthful of jizz

Diet cordial
leaves cheap vodka aftertaste
to befoul my mouth

Bad mood

Pastels are pretty
Pretty fucking annoying
As is so much shit

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Just do it

 Jez Burrows is having a closing down sale in his online print shop

(I didn't even intend for this to be seventeen syllables)

Sunday, September 11, 2011

It's Spring and the windows are open

Wafting from outside,
the smell of cigarettes mixed
with testosterone

Friday, September 9, 2011

Maybe I should shave my head again

Hair growing longer,
creeping me out by brushing
against my bare arm

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Ich habe eine Frage (aka Today I bought a new Enudden)

Why are there always
so many German speakers
browsing Ikea?

Friday, September 2, 2011

More (ignored) advice on better blogging

"Blog every day."
I would if it weren't so hard
to write these long posts.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Inappropriate crushes

Is it wrong to be
attracted to ugly men?
(even hairy ones?)

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

So I bought my own domain name...

...but being technologically backward I haven't been able to publish this blog there. While I'm trying to figure it out, here are some search terms my few visitors have used to find this blog:

"magic beans" + alpacas + poop





















gross myself out











thanks! chemistry















Sunday, August 28, 2011

Mmm organic beef patties

Burger addiction
Daily burger fixation
For the past fortnight

Monday, August 15, 2011

Isn't it ironic

Yesterday I bought
"The 100 Thing Challenge"
at a clearance store

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Really, I should sleep

Must watch more TV
And stop reading all the time
My eyes are stinging

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Melbourne, 30/07/2011

A double rainbow
(not like the one on Youtube)
was so beautiful

Monday, July 25, 2011

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Bananas are a luxury since all the floods last summer

Ate a banana
Belittled by workmates for
being a rich bitch

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Backfired

Tried to be healthy
Ate heaps of vegetables
Made heaps of fart smells

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Life in an apartment

I thought I heard rain
but it was just my neighbour
taking a shower

Tip, please

I was just reading a Problogger article by Gretchen Rubin (of The Happiness Project) entitled "13 Tips for Beginning Bloggers (Which I Learned the Hard Way)". Tip number eight is:
  • Use lists when possible. People love reading lists, especially tips lists. I know, tips lists seem like a simplistic way to present information. But people love them. I post a tips list every Wednesday.
Shit. Here I've been writing this blog for 2+ years and I haven't been posting tips*.  Therefore, I've decided to start posting some tips. Hey, someday people will PAY for my advice***.

Here are some tips for this week. They are medical. Please don't sue me if things go wrong.

Tip #1: Don't smoke. I work in a hospice. Most of my patients have cancer. The End.
Tip #2: Build up your bone density at a young age. As in, younger than people who read this blog****. That's not to say that a little weight-bearing exercise, calcium and vitamin D will do you any harm if you're post-pubescent.
Tip #3: Wear sensible shoes. This will help prevent falls, which will help prevent fractures, because you've probably left it too late to build up your bone density.



* I do have some lists about, being an obsessive list-writer**.
** I once wrote a list of "52 fun things to do." Number one was "Write lists." I think I ran out of fun things at number 37. This says a lot about me.
*** At work, not on this blog. 
**** Unless you're really young. In which case, sorry for swearing.



Saturday, July 16, 2011

Haematuria?

Eat beetroot salad
Get walloped in the kidneys
Urinate red pee

Surreal drive to work down the freeway today

Rear view sepia
Street lights flashing in rhythm
Debris flying by

Friday, July 15, 2011

At least it wasn't Enya

The massage parlour
Pan-flute and harp music plays
Not so relaxing

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Fingers crossed for at least $3000

Looking through receipts
Tax return makes me sleepy
Dream of big payout

Monday, July 11, 2011

My hands are so cold I can barely type

Debating heating
Shivering on the sofa
Should I just give in?

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

This is bad but not as bad as the alternative

Pay day tomorrow
The bank waits, expectantly
for my interest

Monday, July 4, 2011

Rap written at work today

Need a recipe?
You gotta Google that shit,
yeah, Google that shit.

Analyse your poo?
You gotta Google that shit,
yeah, Google that shit.

"Golden Showers" tree?
You gotta Google that shit,
yeah, Google that shit.

etc.








Most of the verses did not fit into the correct syllable pattern for haiku. They are all based on real-life Google searches we've made at work. The song came about because my co-worker (and office co-inhabitant) Dr H is always asking me questions and if I don't know the answer I tell him to "Google that shit." (Don't worry, I use much politer language in front of my patients.) If you'd like to sing along, you must do a Snoop Dogg voice.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

My home is so neglected

Cleaning my storeroom
Dust surrounds me like a fog
I now have black snot

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Self pity

Friends all moved away
Home on a Saturday night
Cleaning and reading

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

My face hurts

Damn adult acne
Your residence on my face
is most unwelcome

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Leather, studs and sequinned hot pants

At Kylie concert.
Hot, semi-naked men. I
should be so lucky.

P.S. for visuals, see my sister's blog

Thursday, June 9, 2011

My car smells a little after being neglected for 10 days

I can't explain why
There's a fart smell in my car
When I've not farted

Monday, May 23, 2011

Sometimes I gross myself out

Don't you hate it when
a little bit of vomit
comes up when you burp?

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

I'm writing a presentation for work

Sexuality
and Hospital Beds: an oft-
neglected topic

Monday, May 2, 2011

On solitary living and long weekends

Don't tell anyone
but sometimes I don't shower
for three or four days

Thursday, April 28, 2011

It's been dry so long I forgot how much I love the rain

Sparkling confetti
cascading from above me -
nah, it's just raining

Monday, April 25, 2011

2 years, 700 haiku, thanks for the comments

I don't love haiku
but I do quite like haiku.
How about you folk?

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Unfortunately...

It's unethical
to sedate your patient to
steal his Easter egg.

What's worse?

Long weekend, working;
long weekend, having a cold;
or all the above?

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Sadly, I'm working the next three days

Five day long weekend!
The whole country slacking off
except we who work.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

I have the day off tomorrow, to compensate for working Easter

Doing IKEA
during the school holidays:
brave or just foolish?

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Sudden random thought

Ever wonder what
happened to Antonio
Sabato Jr?


PS His head shot looks just like Ricky Martin. What happened to Ricky Martin?

Monday, April 18, 2011

This "diet" has me eating far more food than usual

Healthy eating plan:
Since I started it today
I am so, so full.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Soap dispenser, stainless steel water bottle, feather duster...

It pisses me off:
I keep buying faulty shit,
Wasting hard-earned coin.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Digestion

Lots of Chinese food
and hydrochloric acid
mixed in my stomach

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Shared with my big sis today

Lemon curd cupcake
and passion fruit curd cupcake
and a pot of tea.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

I hope it's cold and stormy this weekend

The weekend beckons,
Friday the last barrier
to playing and fun.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

It may rain tomorrow

Autumn is Autumn.
It is not Summer. Pull your
finger out, weather!



Tomorrow is going to be the first time since February that it's rained in this fine city. The maximum temperature should also fall below 30C for the first time in weeks. Hurrah!

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Friday, April 1, 2011

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Far out fallout

I just walked past a
Sydney pharmacy spruiking
iodine tablets

Thursday, March 17, 2011

It's Harmony Day on Monday

Baked Anzac biscuits.
Smell of sugary goodness
fills my apartment.

Monday, March 14, 2011

A grammatically incorrect but true story

Apartment smells like
barbecue, roast potato
and now I'm hungry

Sunday, March 13, 2011

If only everyone's problems were this small

Damn supermarket
running out of zucchini,
my favourite veg

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Someone at work had the grossest ever birthday cheesecake

Two layers of sponge,
smothered in white choc icing,
topped with grated cheese

Friday, March 11, 2011

untitled

I wish the planet
would stop doing fucked up shit
to all these countries

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

My haiku are suffering

Treadmill addiction
or treadmillophilia
is ruining me

Monday, March 7, 2011

The King's Speech

B-b-b-Bertie
I loved your profanities
Bloody bugger arse!

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Long weekends are so good when you don't have to work them

I love long weekends!
Sunday becomes Saturday
and I stay up late

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Overdid it on the treadmill again

Vomiting's not fun
It burns the oesophagus
and bloodshots the eyes

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Pruritis

Itchy eczema
Itchy itchy eczema
So fucking itchy

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Scarily into exercise

Say farewell to the
fatty fatty boombah girl.
Can't say I'll miss her.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Sometimes I get bored of medical terminology

Eczematous plaque
befouling my inner thigh
with red lumpiness

Monday, February 28, 2011

Furry green

Darn you, Perth weather.
You made my bread go mouldy
and it's only new.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

It's gettin' hot in here

How much longer, Perth?
How much longer will I sweat
when I go to sleep*?


*if I don't use the air-conditioning.

Friday, February 25, 2011

People that don't need their surnames

Madonna, Oprah,
Beyonce, Jesus, Elvis,
Beck, Bono and Cher

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Autophagia

I picked at a scab
I pulled off a scabby chunk
It tasted like me

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Zzzzz

I love nanna naps
or however you spell it.
I love nana naps.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Near-spew in the gym! Mustn't exercise on a full stomach again.

Changing one' s lifestyle -
if only it were easy
like changing channels

Sunday, February 20, 2011

I must get my priorities straight

Haiku abandoned
Instead, I'm exercising.
Shameful, isn't it?

Vomited last night.
Not from partying too hard
but from exercise.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

A slumber party? At 8am?

Hey, middle-aged man
carrying floral pillow,
where are you going?

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Thankfully, my upstairs neighbours don't have wooden floors

Elephants wearing
rollerskates, ten-pin bowling
in the upstairs flat

Friday, February 11, 2011

Cassia fistula

A patient wanted
to know the name of the tree
viewed from her window.

"Golden Shower" tree:
its Google Images page
must be searched with care.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Ouchy wouchies

Exercised today!
For the first time in 9 years!
My thighs are burning.

Where should I go on holiday*?

Tokyo, Hong Kong,
Bali, Thailand, Melbourne, or
somewhere I've not been?

*"vacation" for you Americans

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

First my cheek, now my neck...

Moley mole mole mole
Each time I check the mirror
I have a new mole

Monday, February 7, 2011

Thirty for thirty - update

I wrote a list of 30 changes that I hope to achieve in my 31st year of life (because I didn't get around to writing New Year resolutions). I posted the list on this blog. Approximately 1/17th of the year has passed and I haven't achieved much. The only items I can claim to have addressed are #30 Be less of a mega-bitch (a la Shannen Doherty's Heather in Heathers) and #13 Donate at least 3% of pre-tax income to charity (not including the arts). Well, I haven't donated thousands of dollars to charity in the past 3 1/2 weeks but unless I cancel some of my regular contributions, I should get there (thanks to harassment by my former University for donations). I haven't been actively trying to tone down the bitchiness. It just happened that way.  Today at work (at the hospice) I was mistaken for a Pastoral Care chaplain!

Slow day at the office

Two cups of coffee
Two slices of butter cake
And a cup of tea

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Even though I had Chinese for dinner last night

Tummy is grumbling.
It is Chinese New Year so
time for some yum cha? 

Saturday, February 5, 2011

I have the skin of a teenager

Oh enormous zit,
You threaten to eat my face
Like an extra nose

Thursday, February 3, 2011

It doesn't make sense if you're tailing someone

Dear Magnum P.I.
You are so conspicuous
in your red sports car

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Doctors, nurses and funeral directors

I see dead people.
But not like that stupid kid
from that ghost movie.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Second day

New job, new title,
new salary bracket and
new bureaucracy

Another email spam haiku

Greater organ length
Will provide you ultimate
Fun for lady friend

Monday, January 31, 2011

I'd Google it but I'm sure I'd be disappointed

What's "Cockfighter's Ghost"?
It's written on a carton
in my neighbour's car.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? (Philip K. Dick)

Animals are rare,
Substituted with androids.
What about humans?

I recently purchased One Hundred Great Books in Haiku by David Bader (author of Haiku for Jews). It gave me the idea to haiku-fy some of the books I read*. I usually read at least one (or two or three or ten) each week but I am trying to cut down for the sake of my eyesight and social life. I could read so many more if they were only 17 syllables each.

*If the book is crap, I'll let you know. Otherwise, I recommend the books I turn into haiku!

Finally, the weather is worthy of haiku

Splishy, splashy, splosh.
Raining cats and dogs out there.
So potsu potsu!*


*my friend T taught me this super-kawaii** Japanese phrase to describe rain
**super-cute

Friday, January 28, 2011

Yucky weather

Air-conditioning:
a guilty indulgence on
a super-hot day

Thursday, January 27, 2011

I'm into 80s TV

MacGyver kicks arse.
He always beats the bad guys
with household items.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

I was on a boat for 10 hours and couldn't do a poo!

Doing a big crap
brings a lovely sense of calm
and satisfaction

Happy Australia Day!

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

It's Australia Day tomorrow but...

I'm too tired to cook
Lamingtons or pavlova
or Anzac biccies

Monday, January 24, 2011

I start my new job next week (yippee!)

My fear of the day:
patients with imploring eyes
who won't go away

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Australia Day approaches

Spotted: bogan car
with twelve Aussie flags sprouted
from its side windows.

Is this the equivalent to giving your car a mullet haircut?

Saturday, January 22, 2011

I was glad for work to be finished

A fireworks display
As I left work Friday night.
How appropriate.

Friday, January 21, 2011

We've since been reunited

Coffee is my friend
And I am sorry to say
I abandoned it

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Wah

Migraines are evil
They suck your will and goodwill
And turn you hermit

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Mmm, Rocky Road

Trying my best not
to eat the rocky road I
made for my party

Monday, January 17, 2011

My brain boggles

Darn auto-publish
I suck arse at programming
My dates are all whack

Parental advisory recommended

Shit mother fucker
Shit shit mother fucker shit
Mother fucker shit

Saturday, January 15, 2011

I hope it's not true

Brisbane is flooding
Perth is hot and humid and
Melbourne weather sucks

Friday, January 14, 2011

I remember my 20s like it was yesterday

So relieved. Made it
to thirty without ever
finding a grey hair.

This haiku was written in advance, hence the surprises

My birthday treaties
"Friends and Lovers" spa package
Plus some surprises

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Yippee

Weekend in Melbourne
is like Weekend at Bernie's
without the dead guy

Middle aged man in red convertible

He proudly plays his
Rihanna and Eminem
at loudest volume

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

I was supposed to schedule this for 11.11am yesterday

Palindromic dates
Delight the nerdy masses
Hurrah for the ones

Monday, January 10, 2011

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Clinics recommence tomorrow

Back to work Monday
Must smile and nod politely
And try not to cuss

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Friday, January 7, 2011

I went into my storage room in the basement carpark

Thousands of insects
Gnawing though cardboard boxes
Really creep me out

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Unfortunately, my street is a good place to practise parallel parking

An alarming trend:
urban assault vehicles
with learner drivers

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

I was hungry the rest of the day

The lone customer
was surprised the cafe staff
forgot her order

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Heartburn and headaches

Stopped drinking coffee.
Stopped drinking red wine too.
Don't feel much better.

Monday, January 3, 2011

Achievements for 2010

Passed written exam
Then passed clinical exam
and that's about it.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

I'm postponing most of my New Year's Resolutions until my birthday

This year, attempting
to write one haiku per day.
So far, so shitty.

Birthday approaches, rapidly

Thirty is still young.
That's the beauty of working
in Geriatrics.