Thursday, December 31, 2009

"Happy ending" for 2009?

Innocent massage
Fully clothed, in public. But
The masseur was hard.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Turns out it was misspelt

Today I read a
Letter to Dr Semen.
It made me giggle. 

Bah, humbug

Oh, two thousand nine
You're so fine, you blow my mind
Like a migraine blows

Sunday, December 27, 2009

RAH! and Little Miso

I have a friend called Little Sarah, or should I say Sa-RAH, because she is always sneaking up behind me (such as when I'm at a computer at work, or sitting in a cafe waiting for her to arrive) and grabbing my shoulders and shouting "RAH!" It is annoying but kind of endearing too. As long as I'm not holding a hot coffee at the time.


Image shamelessly pilfered from Little Miso's blog

Anyway, when I saw a "RAH!" necklace at Little Miso's stand at the Unwrapped market last weekend, I had to buy it for Sarah. I also picked up some cute wrapping paper and a pretty little postage print. You can get some Little Miso goodness yourself, at her etsy store. Her jewellery has been featured by Frankie and Where the Lovely Things Are. Also check out her awesome website for her graphic design, illustration and advertising work (especially the "graphics" section, for the typographic book of kids' answers to the question "what do you want to do in the future").


Is this not awesome? 
Again, shamelessly stolen from Little Miso.

I've already vetoed my NYE party plans

It's my birthday soon.
Shall I have a party, or
Just do some study?

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Gratitude

As we move into the new year I am going to be nauseatingly, saccharin sweet and reflect on some things for which I have been grateful in 2009...on this blog I will post about some of the giveaways I've won this year. I've already posted about some here and here and here.


This is a letterpress notelet from Bread of Many, that I won via the lovely Poppytalk blog. My photo doesn't capture the three dimensional texture of the print very well but you can imagine it. Bread of Many has a gorgeous blog and etsy store. Thanks to Haley of Bread of Many, plus Jan and Earl from Poppytalk, for this giveaway.



Xotica + wrestling costumes

Little Sarah wrapped my Christmas present very well indeed. She presented me with a box-shaped gift wrapped in phone book paper torn from the White Pages. There was a white envelope tied onto it with green ribbon and a large serif "E" cut out from the phone book paper stuck onto the envelope. I opened the envelope, expecting a card but instead it was full of tipping money for Xotica, a local strip club. I took a closer look at the green ribbon, which was printed with "Crabtree & Evelyn". Hmm...I was a bit disappointed, seeing as Sarah knows so well the sort of stuff I like. I removed the paper, expecting to see some toiletries or smelly stuff. However, I was greeted by an old shoe box. Aah, decoy wrapping! I opened the box and pulled out a leotard-bodysuit-type-thing made of silver lame.

"You'll wear that, won't you?" Sarah asked me, eyes wide. "Um, sure," I responded and feigned enthusiasm. I removed the next item from the box - a hot pink sequin elastic boob tube (aka tube top). Again, something I would never wear. I held it up to my front, confirming that there was no way it would stretch enough to fit over my boobs. "Uh, thanks," I told a grinning Sarah as I tried to look delighted. There was another item in the box, wrapped in red and white polka dot paper. I began to unwrap it and recognised a familiar black box inside. "Ooh, what is this?" I asked. "You know what it is," Sarah replied. It was a pair of Karen Walker sunglasses I had been coveting but decided not to buy because I felt guilty about having so many sunglasses already. I had recognised the box because I've already bought six pairs myself (including one that I lost and one that I gave to Sarah as a gift because I don't want her getting wrinkles from squinting at the sun). She explained that the leotard and boob tube were regrettable late-night drunken online purchases that she never wore (although she did grab them back from me quick smart...)

Thank you so much Little Sarah! You are awesome.

Friday, December 25, 2009

Yeah...



Check out Mr Hooper at 1:39!

I need to watch me more Sesame Street

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Christmas medley

Fa la la la la
When the snow lay round about
Jingle all the way

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Remember how people used to send telegrams?*

Phone call from UK.
My voice echoed. His was loud.
My ears are ringing.


*If you do, I wonder how you came to be reading this blog

Probably the only photo of me that you'll ever see on this blog.

More festivitiousness: this is a little package that I sent to Grace of Woolgathering & Miscellany. I hope she enjoys eating those chocolates as much as I enjoyed packaging them. Moral of the story is, follow my blog and I will send you shit. I really love that Dymo labeller.


 HO HO HO

Oh, look, I'm so festive. (Did I mention I'm working 9 hours on Christmas Day?)


That is either a teeny tiny tree or those presents are all huge. I don't know why I thought the Yellow Pages would make good wrapping paper (sorry, Dea). Check out my cute little knitted plum pudding in there. Purchased from the hospital volunteers at my work for $4. I saw similar ones in a store last night for $20 each! And they weren't even filled with lollies!

Procrastination is getting me down...time to wrap more shit

I have a failure.
No, I am a failure. Or,
Have I merely failed?

Monday, December 21, 2009

Yesterday's haiku (yes, I am a day behind)

Indeed, I did sweep.
For mother and father were
Visiting today.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Chocolate Cock

What every (straight) girl (and gay man) should get for Christmas

Get yours here (on sale!).

Procrastination is posting on this blog

Progiftination



My friend Sarah has this ridiculous rule that you cannot exchange Christmas presents until Christmas Eve, even though you are not going to open them until Christmas Day anyway. Maybe she's worried she'll guess what's under the wrapping? I hope she reads this and figures it out. Note my ongoing obsession with my Dymo labeller and twine and shit. The wrapping paper is by Gemma Correll from Frankie Magazine.




In other procrastination activities, I made this Peppermint Bark by adapting the recipe from The City Sage. Of course, being Perth at Christmastime, I can only take this crap out of the fridge for about 10 seconds before it melts.

on yesterday

Forgot my haiku!
At least it gives me today's
Material. Shit!

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Friday, December 18, 2009

Those Public Health commercials

That melanoma
Pulsating on my TV
It is disgusting

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

The excrement continues to flow

Today I realised
That urinating smells like
Chicken noodle soup

I've sent some, I'm expecting some

Postal  workers go
On strike and I ponder the
Fate of my parcels.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Ventilation is important in a frock

My sister is getting married late next year. It is an outdoor, daytime wedding and as such she needs to be prepared for the hot, hot heat. She may be well served by these dresses from local "bridal design company", Allure Couture: firstly, The Valentine. (I think it should only be worn with a Princess-Leia-meets-Rapunzel do, as with the model in the photo.) Alternatively, there is The Ophelia. Described as a "cool mid summer wedding gown", you could easily replace the word summer with "riff" or "section". Check them out and let me know what you think.

They're in a room painted a horrible green

Oprah plus White House
Plus Obamas plus Christmas
Why am I watching?

Instead of buying
Christmas decorations, they
Could feed families

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Wrapping inspiration


When I saw this red polka dotted ribbon, I had to have it. It reminds me of Minnie Mouse. I've paired it here with an Alice With the "Drink Me" Bottle tag from Dorothy and Evelyn.

PS, check out the post by Girl Whimsy about this Chanel Iman spread for German Vogue.


Loser

Elissa goes to
the theatre (no, not the
cinema) alone

More procrastination

I had a long-awaited day off this week and the exciting highlight for me was going to the post office. Yup, the post office. I picked up some parcels and more importantly, sent some. I fear I may have mixed up some of the parcels' contents but hopefully no one's weirded out by their gifts.


Has anyone ever ordered from Better World Books? Did your books come in a big blue bag like this?



 Who's getting this? Did I send it to the right person? Aargh...

I've won a handful of blog giveaways in the last few weeks (I know! The karma debt is building) including some pretty tape and gift tags, and I've developed a bad habit for buying ribbons.Some of the trimmings to make little crappy things look more expensive:

Also, purchased at the Subi Street Festival this week from Perth-based peoples:
More photos once the gifts have arrived!

Another crappy haiku

The train smelt like shit.
Faecal incontinence is
a real affliction.

Friday, December 11, 2009

To my dear friend on the couch, I love you but...

It makes me somewhat
Ill, the metallic scent of
Your menstruation.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

I can't wait until I have two days in a row off work

I loved my day off
I wish I had another
But it's back to work

Okay bitches, this is going in all my holiday cards

A Merry Christmas
and a Happy New Year for
two thousand and ten

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

My cousin sent some mangoes from Broome

My apartment smells
It smells like sweet, sweet mangoes
Oh aren't you jealous?

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Here's some shit i've been doing to procrastinate

I am currently watching a doco on SBS called Kings of Pastry and these French pastry chefs are competing for supreme-o pastry chef kudos, and one of them is using a circular saw/sander (I shit you not) to mould a pastry tower that somewhat resembles, in shape and size, the Sorting Hat from the Harry Potter films. No, wait! He's putting some fondant roses on it or something. Now it looks like a prop from a sixties sci fi film. Nonetheless, I'm sure it's delicious.

I am also still a bit peeved about the saleswoman in Myer today ("I only deal with Charlie Brown customers, darling,") who implied that I couldn't afford to buy a Karen Walker top AND dress, then warned me that I couldn't return the dress if I'd already worn it and removed the tags!

I have also been wrapping presents, which aren't even for Christmas or anything in particular. I can't show you any photos as the few people who read this blog will probably be receiving some of those gifts but here's some I prepared earlier:


These were gifts for my friends Dea and Kathy (no shit!) in Melbourne, that I bought because I was visiting Melbourne and because I probably forgot their birthdays this year. (In case you're wondering, Dea's was a Kishi-worthy sequined parrot brooch I picked up at some vintage market at Perth Fashion Festival and Kathy's was a mushu bangle I stupidly carried all the way from Perth when I could have just bought it in Melbs. Oh well.) Kathy's tag has pumpkins stamped on it because it was Halloween.


This is the sort of crap I send (this was to Tan, in the States). Did I post this already? Probably. I need some sleep. Adios.

The exam is three months from tomorrow and I still can't bring myself to study

Were I never to
procrastinate, I must be
doing what I like.

Maybe I should be
a kept woman and spend my
days baking and shit

Monday, December 7, 2009

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Belated Halloween post



We don't really do Halloween in Australia but I was in Melbourne and my mustachioed friends and I went to a club called Roxanne with disturbing decorations where we were under the (misguided) impression that we could get cheap drinks if we were in costume. Not that we were in costume, anyway.

 


It's not bokeh, just bad photography



That butcher with the dismembered arm was HOT



Does life get more exciting than this?

New Yellow Pages
A whole two volumes of new*
Telephone numbers

*actually, most of them probably haven't changed since last year, have they?

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Another weird dream

My hand smelt like shit.
Like I did a DRE*
Without wearing gloves.

*digital rectal examination

Monday, November 30, 2009

I just realised I've been neglecting my haiku

Eep! Oh dear. Alas.
My fatigue outweighs my will.
Haiku are unshared.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Look Mum, I made something

Usually, the things I make are not very tangible (decisions, mistakes, purchases...) unless I am making a mess.

Recently, I made something as part of a Pay It Forward (I still need two more payees, if you want something of dubious quality, handmade by me, tempered by something more awesome not made by me) for G. of the wonderful Woolgathering & Miscellany. As I love all things stationery (and inspired by this post on W&M) I decided to make some personalised gift tags. Only problem, I needed a little heart-shaped stamp. I searched every stationery and craft store in Perth city with no luck. The girl in Kikki K lied to me and said they were no longer making these. Almost defeated, I went home and found an eraser unused since high school days (as I'm not allowed to erase my errors these days - I have to strike them out and take ownership by initialling them) and got to work with a scalpel. Yay. I made a stamp. And then I made gift tags (much cooler photo by G. here). I've never been prouder, except in school when I came top in my cooking class.


woods

My possibly favourite blog of all time has moved to a new address. 

My building has a communal swimming pool and the weather was hot today

Pale, skinny people
Standing by the pool, shirtless.
Reflections blind me.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Gosh, my day was exciting

I wore white trousers
I spilt brown coffee dregs all
The way down the front

Weird stuff I did in my dreams last night

Accidentally
Took an overdose, and then
Got a parking fine.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

I'm so tired

I can't remember
Whatever it was that this
Haiku was about

Friday, November 20, 2009

On the train: the fats and the skinnies

Sat between two fats.
Can't reach into my pocket
Without jiggling them.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

I have an Advanced Life Support course tomorrow and I'm such a procrastinator

Tonight, need to learn
One hundred eighty pages
Of really small font

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Pair o' haiku

I locked myself out.
Dad had to come let me in.
I'm such a fucktard.

The disheartened ones.
Sitting, smoking, not talking.
They'll get lung cancer.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Boob envy

Watching Gossip Girl
I wish I had a pair of
Breasts like Blake Lively's

Saturday, November 14, 2009

blah

Damn this apathy
Head full of ideas but
Can't be arsed blogging

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

It's kinda blurry outside

I had to wonder
Are my glasses dirty or
Is it just foggy?

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Yikes

Sister's getting hitched.
I need to be supportive.
Wear a bridesmaid's dress.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Haiku does not provide adequate syllables for prime bitching

The snorty woman
She was absent for four days
She returned to snort

Magazines I've yet to read (even though I've bought them)

Vogue, British Vogue, Russh,
Inside Out, Shop 'til You Drop,
Real Living, Frankie

Marshmallows

Pink, sweet and fluffy.
On the whole, I prefer them
White, sweet and fluffy.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

I need to eat better

Flatulence: it stinks.
Sometimes it doesn't, but with
my diet, it does.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Post-Melbourne diet

Vodka and tonic
for entree, Pimms for dinner
and port for dessert.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Why am I single?

Dating agencies -
Are there studs like these in
2009?





"Type A I'm not. Comfortable, caring and serious about a relationship, I am."

This is the funniest thing I've seen in a while, posted on the Able and Game blog today. I hope the awesomeness of the video makes up for the average haiku.

By the way, Able and Game make the coolest greeting cards around. They are from Melbourne, which coincidentally is where I'm flying on Sunday, for a study course aka Nerdapalooza. If you're in Melbourne you can buy Able and Game cards here and save on shipping costs, I guess.

Cats let nothing darken their roar



2010 calendar available for pre-order now.

I like January and August.

These comments are funny

http://thesartorialist.blogspot.com/2009/10/isabel-and-friend-velibing-paris.html

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Darling don't you go and cut your hair

I had my hair cut
and now, with my glasses on,
I look like a boy

They were my favourite band

What the hell, Weezer?
A snuggie is not really
All that rock 'n' roll

I am so so lazy

The lift is broken
I had to take the stairs. Oh!
The humanity.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

I shall attend a fabulous Halloween party this year

Oh what shall I wear
For my Halloween costume
In Melbourne this year?

Monday, October 12, 2009

I drank quite a few coffees today

Far too much caffeine
Induces palpitations,
Causing discomfort.

Birdy & Me

The latest issue of Shop Til You Drop magazine (that's right, I read STYD and I'm not afraid to admit it) features the beautiful illustrations of Kelly Smith in not one but two features. Her illustrations were used in last month's STYD and also in Vogue Australia earlier this year. Curious? See her portfolio here, blog here and flickr here. PS I love the font on her site.

Update: see the STYD feature and illustrations on Kelly Smith's blog here.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

I was just reading my Google Analytics

"Excrement porn pics"
Is a popular search term
That leads to this blog

Friday, October 9, 2009

too lazy to write my own

think-make-think by Clifton Burt via 20x200

Read the story and buy the print here

Thursday, October 8, 2009

What's dated yet awesome?




SeeSaw Calendar
A letterpress giveaway
Check out their blog

Image from SeeSaw Designs

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

I could have spent hours browsing etsy and not found stuff this great

Forget trawling through Etsy stores, Regretsy does the work for you, finding the primest items available from the crafting world. You have to see this crocheted birthing doll (complete with detachable placenta).

Via Woods

Paying It Forward - second try

I just realised that my blog has SEVEN followers and TWELVE subscribers on Google Reader (probably the same people but it still represents a massive jump in reader numbers from zero digits to double digits) and they're not even all people I know (hello, strangers!) and now I'm feeling pressure to actually make my haiku good and entertaining and whatnot.

Anyway, back in April I semi-participated in a "Paying It Forward" activity - "semi" in that I received something but never paid it forward because there was no one to pay. This is terribly inarticulate so I will re-post the instructions here:

The first three people to leave a comment on this post will be receiving a small gift. Here are the restrictions:

1. I make no guarantees that you will like what I make. Whatcha get is whatcha get.
2. What I create will be just for you, with love.
3. It’ll be done this year (2009).
4. I will not give you any clue what it’s going to be. It will be something made in the real world and not something cyber. It may be weird or beautiful. Or it may be monstrous and annoying. Heck, I might bake something for you and mail it to you. Who knows? Not you, that’s for sure!
5. I reserve the right to do something strange.
6. In return, all you need to do is post this text on your blog and make 3 things for the first 3 to respond to your blog post.
7. Send your mailing address - after I contact you. (Be sure to leave a working email!)



I did not write the conditions. It is supposed to be something I make myself but since that is likely to be crap (not literally - I am not sending human excrement to people) I will also send something I did not make myself. I really, really hope I receive three comments!

I hope someone deserving found it

Lost fifty dollars
Must have fallen from pocket
When running for bus

Monday, October 5, 2009

Bespoke Press' New Project



Bespoke Press (about whom I gushed previously) have a new project and a "giveaway to end all giveaways" over on their blog.  They teamed up with 10 emerging illustrators to produce limited edition, three-colour letterpress prints. They have a giveaway of all ten prints at their blog and are having a sale in their store, too (details here).

Toughen up, princess: Things pissing me off at this moment

Nasty eczema
Piss-poor piano playing
Asparagus spears

Saturday, October 3, 2009

I am so lame

I'm wearing make up
I'm wearing contact lenses
I've nowhere to go

Mad Men meets Sesame Street



Two of my favourite American TV shows meet.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Too tired for haiku

Oh, how I love thee,
How I love thee, sashimi,
Oh, how I love thee

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Please use a comma occasionally and use Australian English in your campaign material

Incorrect spelling*
And awry punctuation
Will not win my vote.


*Spelling "endeavour"
With no "u" or using
"z" instead of "s".

Terrible TV

Why is the 'Hey Hey
It's Saturday' Reunion
Not on Saturday*

*When no one will be home to suffer through it.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Credit to the Hon Sir Mix-A-Lot

I like big butts and
I cannot lie, you other
Brothers can't deny...

Monday, September 28, 2009

Public Holiday un-well spent

Just got out of bed
At seven fifteen p.m.
Day wasted asleep

Saturday, September 26, 2009

AA Nylon Tricot High-Waist Legging



I am very scared
I am scared of these leggings
Scared they will be worn

(Picture from American Apparel site)

Turns out it's AFL Grand Final Day

Aerial ping pong
Buff men in tight little shorts
Go the underdogs

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Lovely package exchange



My package finally arrived! I love everything in it and I am immensely impressed by the wrapping paper. Look at that fabric bird chirping my (embroidered) name!


Sarah sent me some beautiful stuff, including vintage handkerchiefs with "E" monograms. You can see other people's packages on the flickr pool here.

At least it's only a small tub

The pot of yoghurt
It's sat in the fridge for weeks
It's no longer good

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Lovely Packages

My packages came
They came and so did a smile
A chubby-faced smile

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

My excuse for going to bed late

Barack Obama
Is on Letterman right now
And I want to watch

My Life, My Loves, My BROWNIES


A few months ago, I posted about a giveaway that I won from the lovely blog My Life - My Loves

I finally remembered to take a photo of something I baked from the cookbook! These brownies tasted much yummier than they look in the photo. The book under the bowl is not the cookbook (it is a terribly boring textbook).


 
Picture below by Sharnel of My Life - My Loves.
The prize included the book and oven mit (but sadly not the cake).
 

I'm sure no one would have read the original post so I'll just be lazy and re-post it here:


I won a giveaway from My Life, My Loves. Sharnel, who writes the blog, is a fan of grosgrain ribbon (me too - well, who isn't?), Dirty Dancing and Jenny Morris. Also, it would seem, she runs a cupcake company in Brisbane called The Cupcake Company. Their blog is pure cupcake porn. (Not in an R-rated way! In a pink frosting, silver cachou and cake tier way.) Check it out! And if you're in Brisbane, order some cupcakes and tell me what they taste like!

(Image via The Cupcake Company)

Thanks, Sharnel! Everything I've made from that cookbook has been delicious. Mmm.


Monday, September 21, 2009

Baking in two parts

Cooking in the nude
Assists the cook in keeping
Their clothing spotless

Cooking in the nude
Puts the cook in danger of
Burning genitals

Whinge for the day

It really shits me
When people get on the train
Before I get off

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Marketeering


Perth has hosted an uncharacteristic number of art and craft markets in the recent weeks. I enjoy these because I can justify over-spending by telling myself that I am "supporting local business." Here's a small selection of goodies I bought that are now hanging on the wall:


Little painting on wood by Creepy, purchased at the Made On The Left market.



Large collage by a local graphic designer who goes by the moniker Franc. He has cool business cards.
Also purchased at Made On the Left.



Print by Scarlet and the Sea, purchased at Perth Upmarket.



Print on canvas by Champ and Rosie, purchased a while ago at Upmarket.
(If you can't make it out, it says "cardigans are warm.")



Painting by Sam Knest from Mixtape Gallery. Okay, I didn't buy it at the markets but I did buy it during Outskirts during the PFF, on a day when I visited a few different markets.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Chuckles


Everytime I
go past, this wall makes me laugh
Laugh on the inside

Friday, September 18, 2009

Bespoke Press




I received some lovely letterpress stationery in the mail. (I bought it.) It is not bespoke but it is by Bespoke Press, a Queensland-based company. The notecards look and feel gorgeous. Apparently they're printed on tree- and chlorine-free cotton paper made from reclaimed cotton fibres from the textile industry. They come with a recycled kraft envelope packaged inside a biodegradable bag. Ooh. I can't wait to send out some notes.



Bespoke Press even chucked in a free notecard, which was nice, especially as I bought my cards at a discount. Check out their store, website and blog. Being Bespoke Press, they specialise in bespoke invitations but they also do prints like the Letterpress Vintage Chair Print.

(Top pic by me, bottom pics from Bespoke Press store)

I can't explain this

It is so gross that
My hand smells like the inside
Of a boxing glove

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Gosh, I want to go to bed but I also want to ice my cake first*

I just baked a cake.
I really want to ice it
But it is too warm.

*I just realised the title to this haiku also has seventeen syllables. Unintentionally.

Lettergirl

Lettergirl - sounds like a superhero who spends her days liberating us from Comic Sans and Verdana. It's actually an etsy store selling customised return address stamps. Why write when you could stamp?

 
 Picture from Lettergirl etsy store

Gina (aka Lettergirl) is giving away a customised holiday-themed stamp on the paper n stitch blog. Enter here.

I have a package waiting at my parents' house

I like packages,
Pretty letterpress notecards
And unwrapping gifts.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Just saw Up in 3D

There should be more films
About geriatric folk
And the things they do

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Sequins

I have an irrational love of the sequinned blazer. I have not found one that doesn't make me look like an elderly Chinese woman (at least I don't look like a Michael Jackson impersonator) but I continue to search. I am liking the one above, from Kookai, but I'm unsure if it must be worn with a very high-cut bathing suit and shoes that would be very unflattering on my short person's legs. My latest discovery is that Aussie designers Camilla and Marc are doing a line for cheap Aussie chainstore Portmans including, you guessed it, a sequinned blazer! If the quality is more C&M than Portmans, it may be the one. Otherwise, I may be forced to DIY, like Camille from Childhood Flames.